要做,就不要后悔。要后悔,就不要做
All set to go tioman today.

So stressful.  This few days I feel like my mum doesnt even trust me anymore. Why can't she believe me when I say I have projects and even after I explained to her, she could still tell Abeguel I am lying and all. I feel super disappointed :( when did everything become like this. I used to be the one she trusted most. Fuck la.
And I feel so stress out like bloody hell so many fucking things to do. So many things that are so distracting. So many assignments stupid as hell. And now we are taking one step higher for our rs and I dont even know if its the correct thing to do. Like its obv wrong but then a part of me really wants to do it like what the fuck la michelle can you maintain abit. And worst still I cant find someone to talk to I dont really dare to talk to him and oh dear. I wish I am 5

For a month I was loved by a boy named Jeremy. Jeremy was strong and stable he made me feel safe and secure. I relied on him greatly. The last time I saw him was on my birthday and it wasnt the best day. It is still hard to believe that after a week of not meeting him, we actually broke up. I truthfully miss him alot. We usually meet on mondays and tuesdays and as classes ended today I cant wait to run out to see if he was standing at that exact spot below the stairs waiting for me. I yearn for those butterflies I felt before I meet him everyweek. Those stupid smiles that come very naturally to my face when I see him. I yearn for his warm body hugging me,  his arm around my waist,his fingers touching my hair every now and then.

Then why exactly did I push him away from me? Why did I annoy him everytime we talk and make him feel so insecure of our relationship? 
I don't know actually. I dont know what I want. Sometimes I dont feel committed in this relationship, while Jeremy is giving 100% of his effort in this relationship I was only giving 50. There were times when Jeremy's little actions to things and people make me feel that we are different.  but what I wanted was to work this through together. To change him into a better person who smiles and not smoke . In turn I hope he changes me too into a more open person, a less annoying girl with all the stupid mood swings.

And so there were times I feel that I am just leading him on with no future.  I dont want to lead him on like that. In addition to this, what would happen if I leave for Mel next year? It would be harder for both of us tp separate by then. If I dont know my feelings for him, I might as well let him go first. Well now that I did, which was just yesterday night, I regretted.  I miss him a hell lot.
Dearest Babe, you are one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didnt mean to hurt you. And I really hope you wont hurt yourself.